Stressed

If you didn't catch my blog post the other day, I was kinda feeling stressed.  Sorry if I offended anyone.  From now on I should just bike it off or even better, sleep it off!  haha. 

I didn't mention that, to add to the stress I was feeling yesterday, we got Whitney weighed in the morning before her feeding therapy.  She always cries when she gets weighed so it takes a while for her to hold still long enough to get the numbers right.

She weighed 19 lbs 7oz on March 6th

Six weeks earlier on Jan. 17th, she weighed 19 lbs 5oz

I don't think a two ounce weight gain is very sufficient.  The dietician says she has a really good homemade blended food formula with enough calories in it.  Whitney is just unable to handle the amount that she needs to gain weight faster.  She vomits if she gets more than four or five ounces at a time.  She also vomits if she moves around a lot like jumping, running, sliding and swining, and car rides.  Ooo I think I'll ask this new GI doc about "neurotin" since the other didn't think it would help!  :)

So after going to Whitney's feeding therapy, it makes me feel one of two things: Like I'm doing a good job at doing home feeding therapy or that I'm slacking and need to do more stuff "feeding" wise with her.  Ok usually it's the latter of the two.  I need to brush her teeth more, I need to feed her water from a spoon more, I need to measure how much water she eats or drinks,  I need to do more "play" in the food, I need to have her watch me make more food, I need to have her clean up her own food mess, I need to time how long she sits in the high chair for, and so on!  And that's when I hit my phases again of anxiety, fear, depression, then hope and all over again.  Every week. 

In the afternoon it was time to cut Whitney's bangs!  I take her to the lady who does my hair.  Whitney usually cries a little.  One time she was asleep and that was awesome.  But this time she freaked out.  She started getting really scared being in the salon, and started whimpering and held me close when we went to the hair dresser, Anika. Makes her sad scared face and when I put her in the chair, Whitney starts screaming and crying.  My poor girl always gets so anxious and fearful in new situations.  I grab the trash can in anticpation of her third throw up of the day.  She did of course, then Anika proceded to cut her bangs.  One lady said, put her in your lap.  Well I knew that wouldn't help at all and I'd prefer not to get barfed on!  I reassured them that it was sad, but perfectly normal for Whitney to act like this and that she'll be okay.  I'm thinking though, next time I might try to do it myself or have someone else who can come to the house. 

I changed her wet clothes and on the way home I decided to go to the park.  It was so nice and windy outside! Luckily we don't get allergies and sick like my husband does.  I tried to relieve my stress by enjoying the weather and watching my beautiful daughter play.  She likes the swing, slide and sand.  She loves to pretend to drive a car with the steering wheel there and she also said HI to a little friend. 

I'm also really stressed out in anticipation of Whitney's endoscopy tomorrow.  Wikipedia defines endoscopy as Endoscopy means looking inside and typically refers to looking inside the body for medical reasons using an endoscope, an instrument used to examine the interior of a hollow organ or cavity of the body. Unlike most other medical imaging devices, endoscopes are inserted directly into the organ. Endoscopy can also refer to using a borescope in technical situations where direct line of-sight observation is not feasible.

Another definition by WebMD is:

An upper gastrointestinal (UGI) endoscopy is a procedure that allows your doctor to look at the interior lining of your esophagus, your stomach, and the first part of your small intestine (duodenum) through a thin, flexible viewing instrument called an endoscope. The tip of the endoscope is inserted through your mouth and then gently moved down your throat into the esophagus, stomach, and duodenum (upper gastrointestinal tract).

Since the entire upper gastrointestinal (GI) tract can be examined during this test, the procedure is sometimes called esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD).

Using the endoscope, your doctor can look for ulcers, inflammation, tumors, infection, or bleeding. Tissue samples can be collected (biopsy), polyps can be removed, and bleeding can be treated through the endoscope. Endoscopy can reveal problems that do not show up on X-ray tests, and it can sometimes eliminate the need for exploratory surgery.

Whitney's GI Dr. and the Pediatric Surgeon will be there.  They are going to take biopsies and blood samples.  The dr. also wants to try botox around Whitneys Pylorus sphincter or just strech it.  They will look at her long stomach and see if it's causing problems.  They will also put in a Mini button to replace the Mic-key button.  It's just a smaller G-tube. 

I just keep thinking and imagining and pretending that if Whitney and I just say a prayer together before hand then she won't cry.  It's a nice picture but, reality check, that's extremely unrealistic.  Whitney will scream and cry no matter what!  All the praying and blessings and positive thoughts in the whole world won't help my little princess to not be scared to death.  I really don't blame her though.  I just hope she knows that I still love her and that I'm there for her.  I'm still debating if I want to go back there with her till she's asleep or not.